When I was 28 yrs old, I realized that something was wrong with me and it was crucial that I identify it. Without it, I'd be incomplete. I knew this for a fact because I cannot seem to "connect" with everything around me. I felt so detached that I did a self-audit on myself. I realized that I don't react to situations as any normal human being. At work, my colleagues got excited when we won a pitch and I only felt relieved. My friend got married and it was a very joyous occasion. I struggled expressing my happines for her and I ended up pretending I was elated for her. My aunt who practically raised me and my brothers and sisters died and I felt indifferent when I should've been woeful of the loss.
I felt like a zombie. No feelings at all and I didn't know why. It bothered me and I psyscho-analyzed myself. I still didn't know why.
I went through the motions of living and met Vivien Mangalindan two years later. She became my life coach. She tried to heal me until I got stuck and couldn't move on from there. There was that missing thing that was blocking me from being my authentic self. She sensed that it exists and she persevered to help me identify it. I still couldn't remember. She thought I was molested during my childhood and was just too ashamed to admit it but I know I was never molested and deep inside, I know that's just not it. At least, her help made me a much better person and who knew better in life. But it was not complete.
After a year, I attended the Landmark Education series. It pointed out how badly I needed to release that baggage that was hindering me from moving forward. I tried my best. I made peace with my family and my ex-boyfriend, I tried to say "I love you" to people I care about (never mind that it felt really awkward), I forgave myself for my shortcomings, and I forgave others for the wrong they have done to me. I tried to remember all the "baggages" so I could let go of them. I desired for that total freedom. But that elusive one thing kept stopping me. I know I've improved personally after my period with Vivien and much better after the Landmark Education. Still, it was not complete.
Two years ago, I had the opportunity to work in Dubai and I grabbed that chance. I thought I'll be okay since I started feeling connected with people...not as much as I know I should be because sometimes I pretend to feel but, off I went.
Last night was my Eureka! moment. And my gosh, it was just a magnificent awakening! I participated in this activity organized by born-again Christians of Victory Fellowship called "Experiencing Victory." The leader of my cell group, Mary Anne, prepared me and my friend Vanessa to this activity through Bible study. We did the last step at Vanessa's house. I chose to participate because I was yearning for the truth and I was open to take whatever avenue was before me. I believe that all things happen for a reason and every circumstance is an opportunity for learning.
Part of the activity was to identify everything what they call curses in one's life. We even had a checklist to help us identify them. After identifying each, we prayed for forgiveness to all of them. Vanessa felt her liberation from all these evil things. I couldn't get the same feeling. I confessed this to Mary Anne. There was still something blocking me and I couldn't identify it. I told her that it has been stopping me for the past three years! She tried to help me remember but I just couldn't so she said that before going to bed, I meditate on Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Then we prayed to God for forgiveness and blessings. She urged me to pray to God to reveal what it was that was blocking me. I was so focused on my prayer and ignored the tears that were streaming down my face. Then, it was my friend's turn to say hers and while she was saying her prayers, God suddenly helped me realize what it was that was blocking me.
I had to laugh because I almost ruined myself with a vow I made when I was in Grade 1. I vowed to never cry again. Thank you, God, for having pity on me and finally revealing what it was that was preventing me to be the person You want me to be!
The memory of my childhood came rushing back. When I was little, I cried easily. I remember that sometimes I cried for no apparent reason. One time when I was in kindergarten, my Mom dropped me off at the playhouse and handed me to my teacher. They talked a bit and then she started to leave. I followed her and the teacher followed me. I didn't want my Mom to leave me. I saw her got out through the gate and I followed her until the teacher stopped me at the gate. She told me to stay and that I shouldn't worry because my Mom will pick me up afterwards. So, I stayed and sat on the steps watching my Mom got smaller and smaller the farther she went away. I started crying even though I knew she loves me and will come back for me.
The defining moment was when I was in Grade 1 and I was sitting at the yellow octagon table with my classmates. I was very scared and so I started to cry. One of the girls got irritated and asked me why I kept crying and told me to just stop it. I knew that I had to because there was no reason for me to cry. So, I willed myself to stop crying and made a vow to never cry again. I even imagined stamping that vow to my heart to always remember to never shed a tear.
I didn't cry until my first boyfriend died and the loss was just so devastating that I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I was 27 yrs old.
I've trained myself so well to keep that promise. As a child, I unknowingly took on the consequences of becoming emotion-less. Through the years, it hardened my heart until I became unfeeling and devoid of emotions. Mary Anne said that my heart became callous. Vanessa added that probably weeds started to grow on it! It is such a sad picture to imagine of a human heart capable of loving to snuff the life out of it. How naive I was to let myself get ruined this way.
It was no surprise to me then why I am not happy with my writings. I wrote a testimonial for my dear friend Vanessa because I think her life is one inspiring story. I told her about this. I also told her I'll let her read it when I'm ready because I know that there's something missing in it. I wanted everyone who will read it to feel moved and inspired with her story but how could that be when it didn't even create an impact on me when I read it? Now, I know why!
As a believer of God's words, my soul was saved from further destruction. I am so deeply touched by God's love to open my heart and my eyes. He let me see things with sunlight clarity when He made me realize why I felt so detached to life around me.
I never thought that simple negative words could have a life-long impact and one that could bring devastating effects.
So, be careful with the words you utter. A simple "You're stupid!" is already a curse you've bestowed on your fellow human being and whether you realize it or not, you have a hand on preventing that person from reaching his/her full potential to perform his/her divine purpose in life.
1 comment:
Interesting
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